Douglass and I met again the following week. I had been to Yoga class 4 times inbetween our last session and in each class emotion arose in my body/consciousness but not as intensely as in the privacy of my apartment. I was scared out of my mind as to what might manifest that day!
We began our Yoga and the emotional Roller Coaster resumed again. I immediately started to shake as we began with simple Sun Breaths. Douglass then took me down on to the floor for various assisted Yoga stretches and I immediately started to cry and almost hyperventilate still not knowing what it was all connected to.
And then the BODY MOVIE began again like a flip book of hundreds of emotional moments from, not just my childhood, but from my entire life:
Breaking up with my girlfriend Janet in 8th grade, fist fighting with my brother Mike at 10 years of age, being pulled from underneath my bed and then being beaten by my father at age 8, falling down and spraining my knee at 18 and on and on and on.
I was fascinated and scared, amazed and so confused.
Somehow through Yoga I had opened a Pandora's box of emotion somehow being released from my body. I shook and cried, hyperventilated and wailed.
What the hell was going on in me?
And then, I WAS my father,
pleading with my mother seeking-needing her approval, and then I WAS my sister Cathy - something had happened to her, I/she was so sad, so so sad. Then I was hiding with her at maybe 7 years of age. My parents were fighting in the kitchen, yelling, screaming - we had to protect ourselves! Keep the door closed! Keep the door closed!
Again, it was all so vivid and confusing, scarey, violent and sad. An emotional collage of terror, love lost and physical violence. What the hell was happening? Why was I being shown all this? Yes, some of it was from my conscious memory but some memories were mysteries unfolding before me, so new, so alive and so so frightening!
I WAS my mother terrified running my five children into the Rambler station wagon to escape from the crazy man - my father. And I was me at 8, with a 102 fever in the back seat crying screaming for my life "Where are we going? Where are we going?"
I am bouncing, shaking, wailing.
"Please stop! Please stop oh GOD PLEASE STOP!!!"
Douglass is gently pulling on my legs and moving them gently side to side releasing my hips. Our session is ending.
As I lay there, dizzy from the flash flood of emotion in my body, I can feel something...
a presence in my left hip,
a tightness, a piece of...
a piece of...
somehow wanting-needing to be heard, needing to be expressed,
to be set free...
...trapped in my left hip.
"Oh God, please help me. Please help me."
Douglass left. I needed some caffeine. Boy, did I need caffeine, and even more so...
I needed CAKE! Chocolate cake if possible.
As I was walking down 88th St on my way to Starbucks to feed my craving, I ran into my girlfriend, whom l lived with, who was coming home from work.
"How'd it go with Douglass?" she said with a smile.
"It was unbelievable." I replied as I felt a cold tremor in my left hip.
Yes, it was fear.
Sunday night late or on Monday, I will be posting a Video Journal from about 4 months after the above account.
I have been debating releasing this video for it shows me at a point where the emotional energy in my body is literally taking over my life. To me, it is frightening footage, and stunning, at the same time.
Now the last thing I want is A TRILLION HITS on YOUTUBE and a guest appearance on TV's EXTRA as "YOUTUBE FREAK VIDEO OF THE WEEK." I'm not posting this video for shock value. I will be posting it for EDUCATIONAL value, for your greater understanding of the severity of this type of problem.
I am writing this here now, so that I don't cop out and post some motivation drivel about my benefits as a result of dealing with The People in the Hips. I am sure you will see more than enough of that in the months to come.
If for any reason, I don't post the "Frightening and Stunning" Video Journal of what looks like the beginning of a total mental breakdown, please write, bang on my door and remind me to walk my talk.
I will see you at my worst in a little bit. Thanks for reading/watching.