THE TALE #10 - The Mattress did it!!

My second 200 hour round of Yoga Teacher Training went on hiatus for the Summer.  We still had to get in our quota of classes but I didn’t have to attend any seminars or workshops with the group until September.  There was something wrong in me.  I needed to figure this one out.  The last couple of weeks I had been distracted at our meetings, uncomfortable.  I wasn’t ready to share what was happening to me.  I was the only man in our training.  And probably the only Yogi with people in his hips.

My hips continued to lock up almost every night, sometimes worse than other nights.  I told my girlfriend that it was probably the new mattress that we had been sleeping on since we moved in together.  I said it was too soft.  Part of me knew that the mattress wasn’t the culprit, but part of me hoped and prayed that it was.

Please let it be the mattress.

Please let it be the mattress.

Please let it be the mattress. 

I went out and got a bed - sized piece of plywood and placed it under our mattress.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!  I awoke that night my hips in a spasm. 

We placed a mattress pad over the mattress that would make it firmer.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!  I awoke folded up like a pretzel in pain.

 

It wasn’t the mattress.  It was in me.

 

But how could I share this with my girlfriend?

“I’m sorry, there is stuff in me that makes it virtually impossible for me to sleep next to you.”

Wow, that’s one way to nurture a relationship.

 

Yet pretending that this hip issue wasn’t an issue wouldn’t nurture a relationship either.

 

But I pretended anyway…  how could I explain this?  I am channeling in all known and unknown abusive events in my life during Yoga and then at night, when I dream, this stuff is somehow getting into my muscles and crippling me.  

Also, I am starting to feel paranoid especially when a MAN is standing behind me on line, or sitting behind me on a train and I am feeling very uncomfortable in general around older men. 

Damn, this does not look good.  What is going on?  What the hell have I forgotten?  

What happened to me as a child?  

What secret horrific events are still somehow trapped in my body?

And how can I share all this with the woman I love?  Could she ever understand if I don’t even understand it?

 

So I dived into denial and it became all about the mattress.

 

I became obsessionally obsessive about the board, the pad, the position I slept and on and on, so needless to say, going to bed with my amazing girlfriend, soon became no fun.  Plus the thought of “getting involved” with her and then having my head start shaking side to side like a jackhammer was so unsexy.

God bless her.  She is such an amazing woman.  She was so supportive trying to understand and solve this “Mattress” problem, but when I looked into her eyes, all I could see was the fear underneath.  She knew something was wrong. Terribly wrong.

And I was too frightened to share the truth…

…the truth that I was coming undone.

 

Ken WolfComment