3 months earlier - June 2003
I am cramped up. I can barely walk. Douglass just arrived at my apartment for our Yoga session. He is rolling out the mats on the living room floor.
“I don’t know how much I can do. I cramped up today after Spin class - my hip flexor is locked again. Oh Douglass, this sucks” I sighed seeking his sympathy.
“So let’s do something different. “ He said with a wink. “ I think we have done enough bouncing lately.”
“Absolutely! So what do you want to do?” I was nervous.
“Why don’t we sit and breathe and I will take you on a guided meditation through your Chakras?”
“Sure. Why not.” I replied smiling but I was so damn scared. Whenever Douglass and I worked together, my practice became a direct live wire to my unconscious and... Fireworks!
Little did I know at the time, that that session would be a NUCLEAR EXPLOSION!
We sat cross-legged on our mats facing each other. Arms out, back of our wrists to our knees, palms open, my thumbs and my first fingers were touching in Jnana Mudrā.
Douglass began his guided meditation starting with the base chakra MULADHARA, bringing my awareness to the area down below the base of my spine.
My breath shortened.
“Breathe, Ken, breathe.”
I suddenly felt dizzy. Douglass continue inviting me to bring my awareness/explore my experience of this area. I started to hyperventilate. Douglass asked me to bring white light into this area, peace, calm, healing white light. My breath shortened even more. My body started to slightly hop up and forward while I sat there cross-legged. Douglass then invited me to bring that white light into my second Chakra SVADISTHANA, and I immediately started to involuntarily shake forward and back.
“Are you alright, Ken?”
"Yes, Yes, I’m fine. Let’s go. Keep going.”
My body started to shake harder forward and back, back and forth, I could feel pain, sharp pain at the very base of my spine by my genitals.
“Keep going Douglass, I am fine.”
I started to bounce harder and harder. Suddenly, I could see Resurrection Church where I was an altar boy, or was I, was that just the Kindergarten pageant where I was the altar boy? Why is that priest telling me to come and serve mass? Fuck this is like a bad Access Hollywood segment? A Priest? That’s been done! What the hell is really real here?
Douglass then led me to the third Chakra MANIPURA, stomach, fire, energy center, and then there came a cry… a cry, a howl… a howl from the darkest depth of hell, a child’s cry, a child at the age of six or seven howling, HOWLING for his life, Oh God, not again! No more please no more!
“Ken, are you alright?”
“Yes, keep going."
I need to know, I need to know. I need to know. I need to know.
And so Douglass led me through the remaining Chakras:
ANAHATTA, the Heart Chakra -
NO DON’T PLEASE STOP! PAIN. PAIN. PAIN.
Don’t leave me!
Let me go away!
“Keep going, Douglass.”
VISHUDDHA, the Throat Chakra -
SUDDENLY I was drowning. I can’t breathe. I can taste the salt water in me, in my lungs, I was gasping I am gasping for my life. I heard/hear a cry. It was me, Younger, lost, crying, Am I going to die? Help me. Help me.
“Keep going Douglass!"
AJNA, the Third Eye Chakra -
Centered above my brow. Intuition.
All was black. I am panting.
In the Dark. I am in the closet.
NO, don’t do it. No, please! No, don’t!
SAHASRARA, the Crown Chakra -
WHERE IS THE WHITE LIGHT? WHERE IS THE FUCKING WHITE LIGHT? THE GOD DAMNED HEALING LIGHT! WHERE?
My body is bouncing forward and back. My head is shaking 100 miles a second back and forth like the Energizer Bunny on speed, and I am hyperventilating. Tears, buckets, oceans of wet pain, fly and fall across the room. I am seeing things and I don’t know what I am seeing and I know they are bad. No, not bad. Evil.
And then, I’m crying, wailing, howling, howling from the darkest depths, from the Forgotten Land deep inside, HELPME HELPME HELPME HELPME!!!
….oh my …God.
The hair is standing on the back of my neck. My breathing slows. I am quietly weeping. Douglass sits across from me watching, calm and curious.
This is nuts. This is nuts. This is nuts.
Our guided meditation...
It felt and looked as if I was being raped.