THE TALE #18 - LOONEY BIN ...NOT!!!

So my body started jumping around by itself as I communicated with a displaced “child-self” that was manifesting from my hips. 

What the HELL?

My nervous system was on edge.  My mind confused.  What the hell was going on?

There was some unknown event or events deep within me causing this “child-self” to try and communicate with me, and that communication stemming from my hips was causing me to come undone.  Totally undone.  I was losing it and I was so so so scared.

THIS WAS CRAZY!

As I mentioned in an earlier post, my father was committed to a mental institution when I was growing up.  It was a scary bizarre time for me.  I can remember one day I received a gift from him which he made in his ARTS and CRAFTS class at St. Vincent’s Psychiatric Hospital.  It was a tiled Ashtay, tan and white, unsymmetrical, heavy. 

And I didn’t even smoke.  

I was 10 at the time. To have your father “lose” his mind is so not fun. As I am writing this now, I can feel the pain again of being confused, and sad, and not really knowing if he would ever come back, for even though he beat me mercilessly, I LOVED HIM. 

HE WAS MY FATHER AND I LOVED HIM!

 

What we choose to believe as children….

 

Sometimes not much different than what we choose to believe as adults.

 

My impulse was to do YOGA, ground with YOGA, maybe possibly if I could connect so intensely intimately with my body, I could release or let go of this “craziness” that was manifesting in me and through me.

I would not under any circumstances let myself BE COMMITTED.

I would figure this out.

Fix it.

Cure it.

Break it! 

Whatever I had to do I would do it.

Deep inside, I was so clear that this experience or process or whatever this was would not be my one way ticket to the LOONEY BIN. 

I WOULD NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES LIVE OUT MY FATHER’S LEGACY!

 

Thank God for clarity.

This clarity, this unfettered determination is what kept me going.  The stubborn Capricorn goat in me would not let these feelings or this child self, or this experience WIN.

 

Here is a video diary from the day after “My Bouncing Child-Self” adventure.  On this video you can clearly see that I am a mess, but the video also illustrates my life-saving clarity and determination.

We all have it.

Don't you forget it.

Posted on November 11, 2009 .