The next day, after my Coconut oil adventure, I woke up and felt like I had an electric lamp up my you know what.
Wild crazy energy was running up and down my spine. I felt like the Energizer Bunny on Speed.
It was getting worse.
“Oh my God, and I have to teach class today!”
I arrived early at the Community Center where I teach my classes. I was a mess. Energy and old feelings were flowing through my body and they were out of control. The director of the center was coming in. I pulled him aside.
“Jim, can I talk to you. You have a sec.”
We went into his office. The tears streamed from my eyes like a mini-waterfall.
“Something is happening to me. I don’t know what it is. I think I will be OK but I just want to give you a heads up in case I need your help.
“Are you alright, Ken?”
“Yeah, I am fine. It is just old stuff. Old stuff. I will be fine. But I just want to you to know that I am a little out of sorts in case I need your help.”
“Are you sure you are going to be alright?”
“Well, I am here if you need me. We all are here if you need anything.”
“I’ll be fine. I just wanted you to know…”
As I wrote in an earlier post, (The Tale #14) I somehow made it thru class and through my day and then came home and had my first experience with communicating with my “displaced child self” or as I later called him “BABY KEN.”
I barely slept that night after that first communication. I could feel the energy running up and through my abdomen. It was like the energy had a life of it’s own.
When I finally got out of bed, my neck was very tight, as if there was… a hand on the back of my neck… choking me, and then I could feel someone …hitting me in the back.
No one was there. It was all made up in my mind or coming out of my body out of my hips out of the crazy energy that I had somehow awoken in my body. The room started to spin. It was almost as if I was being TIME TRAVELED back to another time AND I was here in this time, here with ANGRY HANDS from the past choking me and ANGRY FISTS from the past hitting me and ANGRY boots from the past kicking me in the back!
I called my sister again. I needed a therapist. No answer again. I left another message.
DAMN! Help! I need help!
I couldn’t wait. A number of years earlier when I was having some relationship issues, I had seen a psychologist named Susan Danvers. I found her number, called and left a message saying that I would drop off a DVD of my conversation with my displaced child self from the night before.
I dropped a DVD off that afternoon at her office and her receptionist called me and I made an appointment to see Susan that night..
I entered. Susan looked older, tired. She also looked scared.
I was a mess. I was shaking slightly and half-weeping as I entered. When last I saw Susan I was complaining about my girlfriend problems. This time, I had a displaced child self living in my hips and imaginary hands, choking me and hitting me. My how I have grown!
“Hi Ken, it’s good to see you again.. I got your call and your DVD.” She smiled but I could see the fear.
“Did you watch it?” I asked.
“No, I didn’t. I don’t think I need to watch it.”
She watched it. I could tell.
“It is only 5 minutes. Do you have a computer here?” I needed to know that she saw it. So she could see how messed up I am so she could somehow help me with all of her girlfriend problem advice!
“No, I don’t think I need to watch it.” Susan reiterated.
“Why?” I demanded. “It is what is going on for me! Maybe you could understand. Maybe you could help if you saw it!
“I don’t need to see it.”
Why was she being so confrontational? I need help! I need help!
“Why? Why don’t you need to see it? If you haven’t seen it, how do you know that you don’t need to see it?”
“Seeing it is not going to help your therapy here.” She said smugly.
“Why?” my head started to shake slightly up and down. My left hip started to burn. I could feel again the hands on my neck choking me choking me choking me.
“Everything happens in this room.” She said calmly. “I don’t need to see the DVD. It all happens in this room. So what is going on for you?”
“What is going on for me? I am pissed off that you won’t take 4 minutes and look at my MENTAL BREAKDOWN on DVD. If you saw what was going on with me, maybe you could help me!!!!!!
“I’m fine.” She murmured calmly.
“What the fuck do you mean you are fine? What about me? I am the patient and I am not fine. I AM NOT FINE!”
“Ken, please calm down.” She said assertively. “Obviously, you’re upset.”
“Uh yeah, wouldn’t you be upset if all day long the invisible man was choking you and hitting you on the back??
She sat there frozen and then whispered. “No one is choking you. You seem like you’re fine.”
“You seem like you’re fine.”
Whatever was left in me of any semblance to rationality just flew out the window!
“I AM NOT FINE “ I screamed. “Hello! HELLO! I am the one who is supposed to be in DENIAL not you!”
“I am not in denial.” She said defiantly.
“How do you know? If you are in denial, you wouldn’t know.”
Susan was getting mad and holding it all in.
“ I am the therapist here.”
“So what does that make you? God?”
She stopped. Looked down and then up.
“Ken, I don’t know if I am the right therapist for you. Why don’t we do this? Why don’t you go home and think about it, and then call me if you think I am the right therapist for you, and we will go from there.”
“BUT I NEED HELP NOW! I have friggin BABY KEN in my hip! And I feel like there are hands on my throat!
“You don’t have to be so dramatic!”
“But this is DRAMATIC, GOD DAMNIT! This is insane! It’s nuts. What’s happening to me?”
Susan looked me right in the eye.
“Go home. Think about things. And then call me if you wish.”
She turned to her desk, ignoring me.
Now I have had abandonment issues in the past, BUT WHEN YOUR THERAPIST ABANDONS YOU?
Oh boy…so not fun…
I felt a tightness in my throat…
but it wasn’t my imaginary strangler coming back for more fun.
It was fear.
Flashback: I am auditioning for a College Acting Scholarship at Adelphi University in 1976. I was asked to do an improv exercise with some other actors where I was to play a baby dinosaur. If I was going to win this thing I had to go for it like I never went for anything in my life. The improv began. I was a hungry little dinosaur and I wanted my food. I really wanted my food, but the other dinosaurs didn’t want me to eat. So I got mad, real mad, so frigging mad, my face curled, my voice rasped, and I transformed so much so I actually scared the other actors.
I left thinking I aced the scholarship.
Later, I heard from my girlfriend (who was on the scholarship board) that I was rejected.
They said I was TOO ANGRY, and that I was potentially dangerous to others and no way on earth would they ever give me the scholarship or even want me on campus.
And now it was 25 years later, and the DINOSAUR was back. Something ANGRY was coming out of me, hurting me and striking out at others. And I felt like I couldn’t stop it.
I have to keep it in!
I have to keep it in!
I HAVE TO KEEP IT IN!
Oh God, please…