So I could function more or less, I just had a displaced Child Self by the name of Baby Ken living in my hips who was trying to tell me things, things which I THINK I had forgotten. I would be feeling fine and then all of a sudden I would feel a sharp pain in my hip flexor, sometimes seeing a vague image of the woods or of a wooden porch or of a bedroom, and then I would be a mess for days. Sometimes working with Douglass doing yoga would help but other times it might make it worse. I would stretch with a strap, go running, hang upside down from my feet, or soak for hours in a hot tub and nothing would shift. And I would cry, random crying unconnected to a specific event, all the while pretending to friends, family, clients and students that I was OK.
I was definitely not OK. I needed to know what happened. What I had forgotten...
I called up my 73 year old mother (my father died of a heart attack 14 years earlier) and asked her if I could interview her about our family history. I told her that she knew things that none of us knew and that it needed to be documented on video, when the truth of the matter was I needed a way to ask her some pointed questions about my childhood so I could figure out how to get the people out of my hips. I just couldn't tell her the truth of what was going on with me and my SPLIT. She wouldn't and couldn't understand.
I am not proud of the fact that I lied to my mother. I know there is no excuse but I was scared and really confused about what was happening to me. And I didn't want to FREAK her out.
I still haven't told my mother about my real reason for our video interview. I don't think I ever willl.
She was so thrilled to talk about her past, her parents and their history and it made her feel special, except when I asked questions about DAD. When the subject of Dad came up, things changed....
I have the two hour interview which I filmed with two video cameras, one on her, and one on me. I have never gone through the footage since that day in late September 2003. During the interview, I know there was one very interesting moment when she talked about Dad and shared something at the time I thought profound, but for the life of me now, I can't remember it.
Is this present day loss of memory or my unconscious mind causing me to forget to protect me? I don't know.
I am going to go through that footage this weekend and get back to you.
Unless I forget to...