Christmas traditionally is a time for families to get together, celebrate, exchange presents and have a Merry good time.
I was terrified.
There was something inside me. Something causing me to cramp up. Something causing me to shake, causing me to be bizarrely paranoid, and something TALKING to me…
And it wasn’t saying “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!”
No, it certainly wasn’t.
Now truth be told, I really wasn’t terrified. But that part of me, that Baby Ken part of me, WAS terrified, frightened, ready to run, or just plain frozen by the Holiday chill, the Holiday fear. As I write this six years later, I have goose pimples appearing down my arms, and it feels like the hair is standing up on the back of my neck.
“Please no, I can’t go back there now….”
I went through my days before Xmas in solitude. I worked, pretending I was Ok, then I would come home, build a fire in the fireplace, do my daily yoga practice where I would bounce around and then I would make a hot bath and just sit in the tub. Sometimes I would spontaneously break into tears, other times I would just sit numbly hot in the tub, trying not to think, yet so curiously confused about what was happening in my body.
Something about the holiday was bringing it up, or was it the cold? Did something happen to me in the cold?
As I write this tonight, I remember a memory I remembered back then which I think I have somehow tucked away.
We used to go ice skating down by the Mill Pond in Yorktown Heights when I was young. I wasn’t a good skater but I loved being down on the ice at night. It was cool, almost magical, skating on the pond under the winter stars. The air was crisp and I felt so alive. We would put on our skates down by the PINE FOREST there….
“NO NO NO NO NO! Please I don’t want to know. NO not now! Not now, it’s over! It’s over!”
On one wintry night, before Xmas 2003, as I sat in a hot bathtub, being numb, something hit me, no not physically, just a thought, a memory, but the memory was so thick with pain and poison my body started to shiver as I lay in the hot soapy water.
It was THE PINE FOREST. Something happened to me in that PINE FOREST. Something so not good, so not fun, so mind numbingly nasty that I could barely make it out on the outer edges of my consciousness. And it wasn’t just the Pine Forest, it was all through the woods there. I was running, frightened, terrified…
...of the DARK MAN.
I wept, while I shivered in the hot soapy brine.
What exactly happened, I couldn’t discern. But it was clear something did happen.
Wow! How’s that for a Christmas present?
…and this was just the beginning of my People in my Hips Yuletide celebration.