Therapy got really painful. Not just emotionally, but physically. More times than not, my hip would literally cramp up right after working privately with Douglass on my way to see Dr. Freud. Since I started filming my therapy sessions, I think the Baby Ken part of me, got scared. Scared that he would now have to relive the horrifying experiences that he had hidden or purposefully had forgotten. And to be honest, I too was getting scared. I was fascinated by the filming process, but what was coming out in therapy was absolutely nuts. (I am going through new therapy footage that I will post this week.) It was like a Baby Ken let’s let it all out Bouncefest. My head would vibrate back and forth like a Washing machine on steroids. I would suddenly cry this high pitched and bizarre cry out of nowhere and my left leg would bounce up and down.
One day when I arrived at therapy, my hip was so locked up that I couldn’t sit. So I stood, half-crunched in fear, trying to work it all out. Even now when I think about it, I was SOOOOOOOOOO messed up, but often in life, in order to heal, one needs to get to that total whacked out place in order to return to normal.
“Sometimes you have to go a very long distance out of your way in order to come back a short distance correctly” - Edward Albee
“You have got to help me! I’m in crazy crazy pain. I have fucking people in my hips. And it hurts. I need to get better. I gotta get better. ” I screamed at Dr. Freud.
“I can see you do. When did all this happen?” he responded softly.
“When did all this happen? It is happening now. I am in pain. I am being attacked from my past, and I have to get this out of me!”
“I can see you do.”
“Well, help me. I need some help. Hypnotize me or something, but I have got to do something. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t. I just can’t.”
“I don’t need your understanding I NEED YOUR HELP!” I screamed.
I was in reactive mode. I was not in the present moment. This was some old FEELING that was taking over my “now,” that I was “assigning” to Dr. Freud - making him out to be the cause for he, up to this point, had been unable to cure me. (As if a therapist actually cures someone - Hello! We cure ourselves. A therapist simply leads and facilitates. We make the connections and make the choice to heal.)
“YOU HAVE GOT TO DO SOMETHING!”
“Where do you think all this stems from?” Dr. Freud asked.
“FROM MY HIPS! FROM MY HIPS!” The people in my hips were taking over. I was somehow trapped in some old scenario, screaming for what seemed like my life.
Needless to say, our session was less than productive, but that night, as I lay in bed, trying to figure out what the heck was going on, the metaphor, the old feeling, the belief system which was working on me, like the ghost of Christmas past, suddenly became clear.
I was begging DR. Freud to help me, much like I must have begged my father and/or the DARK MAN to stop hurting me. I had made some sort of mental transference associating Dr. Freud (a male authority figure) with the male abusers in my past, blaming him for my hip pain and all the other known and unknown pain from my past. The old pain appeared in my hips, I assigned it to the present moment - to Dr. Freud, and then responded as if the old feelings were real.
A feeling comes out of my body from my past. I assign it to the present moment, and respond as if it is real, using my reality (how I assigned it) to validate it.
This is very heady stuff, but can you see how we do this all the time in our lives, in relationships, at work, with our families? A feeling arises in our bodies - is triggered by some present day trigger, and then we place that feeling on our world and then justify it to be true and respond accordingly which validates it further. No wonder we have problems in our personal relationships. Often we aren’t even responding to what is really happening in the present moment, we are responding to OUR PAST.
This has been the biggest gift of my people in my hips experience. I know now that my feelings are not my reality. They are just my feelings. Yes, sometimes they sneak in and try to color my reality, but for the most part now, I stand guard and challenge any feeling based reality my unconscious mind may be trying to create.
Maybe therapy works.