I walked into therapy all bent out of shape, literally. My right hip had just cramped up after my session with Douglass. I felt like I had a knife in my leg and my emotions were on edge from the feeling emanating from my hip. I silently hooked up the video camera. Dr. Freud could tell something was up.
I sighed. I didn’t want to go into it. I didn’t want to talk. I was so god damned tired of talking. I wanted this STUFF out of me. It had just been going on for too long. Way to friggin’ long.
“ I want it out of me. Can’t we do something? Like hypnosis or something - just to make it disappear, make it go away like back into my unconscious and just stay there? Hypnotize me. Just hypnotize please…”
“We could do something like that. Do you know what timeline therapy is?”
“Yes, I’m familiar. Yeah, take me back, I will see it all and be healed. Let’s do it.” I was so done.
“I wish it was that easy, but I’m will to try it.”
“Let’s do it.”
Dr. Freud dimmed the lights.
“ Ok Ken, I want you to focus on your breathing, just allow the breath to flow in and out, and as you focus on your breathing you can now feel your body relaxing, letting go, just allow yourself to relax, just let everything go. It is safe. It is safe here.”
I didn’t feel safe at all. I could feel the “Energy” swirling in my body.
Dr. Freud continued.
“As you continue to breathe and relax, you can feel your body becoming weightless, light, free, open and relaxed. You feel good. You feel safe. It is safe here. Now as you continue to breathe and relax I want you to imagine that you are floating out of your body and going up into the sky a mile or so, you can still breathe there is plenty of air and you can float on the air. It is safe. As you look down, you can see your time line crossing right through your body one way going off into the future and the other way going back in to the past - staying way up in the sky let yourself follow your timeline back into the past.
My body started to shake. I could feel the energy down in my hips become alive.
‘You are 40, 30, 25, 20, 18, 15 and when you get to the age that is important to you and to your hip stop and let me know what you see. You can go back up into the sky at any time. At anytime you can escape if you need to…”
I needed to escape. I needed to get away. I was back there but back there was somewhere I had never been before. It made no sense. I saw old cars, I was in Astoria where my grandmother lived but it was different, I saw old hats, old storefronts, street lamps and people, young people dressed funny like out of an old movie. I was in a bathroom but it didn’t feel like me there, it was like it was someone else but I was somehow there…, there were white tiles shaped in hexagons on the walls, white, brown grout…. AND NO, please NO, don’t come in please don’t hurt me, no no no no NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
I know this doesn’t make sense. But this is what I saw in this timeline session. I saw Grampa Wolf, only he was young and he was hitting me and I was my father as a child. It was the 1940’s before I was alive. I was being brutally beaten by my grandfather, only I was my Dad, trapped in my father’s bathroom by myself in his apartment in Astoria, Queens and also on the streets there. I was seeing and experiencing what I seemed like my father’s MEMORIES. Vivid and uncanny. Rich in detail and in fear. I had no knowledge of Dad’s family history but this crazy vision showed my grandfather brutally beating my father/me, again and again and again. Kicking, slapping, punching OH PLEASE STOP! and I saw my father crying, while trying so hard to protect himself from his drunken angry father.
Suddenly I saw my father in a different light, one not condoning his brutal behavior, but through a perspective of somehow understanding it. Understanding where his brutal behavior was learned….
And somehow this memory/vision was past through my father’s DNA to me.
I wept... and I wept. Dr. Freud watched quietly.
Was this vision real? It would make sense with all my previous bizarre memories of my grandfather. And it felt so so real. But was it real? Were these my father's memories?
Seeing my grandfather’s brutal behavior towards my father made so much sense to me… but the mind works in mysterious ways. Especially with childhood trauma.
This was the question which plagued me for weeks after this session.
Was this real, or did a part of me make all this up so I could forgive my father’s sins?