It was April 2004, before I went to see Dr. Freud. Before I discovered who was trapped within me.
It was a Saturday afternoon, and I was driving home to my cabin in Goldens Bridge after training some clients and I started to feel it in my right hip. Traditionally, it was in my left hip, (the “it” I am referring to is the BAD ENERGY - the DARK MAN as I later named him.) I was unsettled, nervous, I would get a cup of coffee at Winston’s in Armonk. The coffee would help.
I sat out in front of Winston’s and sipped my Coconut flavored coffee. It wasn’t helping. It was getting tight, my neck was getting tight, I started to shake a bit, and I was getting paranoid.
I would run. I would run like a banshee and get this energy out of my hips. Maybe if I ran hard enough and fast enough it would go away. I threw out my coffee and went to my car.
I had been training private clients that morning so I had my workout gear on. I left my black windbreaker in the car, with my wallet. I put my keys in my baggy pants pocket.
I started to walk down the block opposite Winston’s. I could feel emotions rising out of my right hip. Scary feelings… and then I started to feel the burning, the burning going through my pelvis to my lower back.
OH GOD it was happening!
I started to run, first slowly and then I accelerated. My head started to shake softly side to side.
NO NOT NOW please! NOT NOW I don’t want to feel it. I want you to go away! Go the HELL Away!
I burst into a sprint. Tears started to fall from my eyes, and I had no idea why. I started to yell.
GET AWAY FROM ME! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME! I want you out! Get the hell out! Get out of me!
My leg started to cramp.
NO, I am not going to let you win. I am not. NOT THIS TIME GOD DAMNIT.
And I tried running faster.
I must have looked like a total nutcase, running down the road adjacent to Winston’s and the main drag of Armonk, screaming GET OUT GOD DAMNIT! GET OUT!
I didn’t want this in my anymore. It wasn’t fair.
I didn’t do anything! Why are you doing this to me? What did I do?
And when I look back now at my thoughts above, I can clearly see it was all about my unknown-lost-in-my-unconscious childhood abuse.
As a child, I experienced RANDOM childhood abuse. Unexplainable. It didn’t make any sense at the time, and now, then, when I was running, when my hip was cramping, I was in effect reliving the experience. Something/someone unknown was hurting me.
I got back to my car by Winstons, limping, my face more wet from tears than sweat, and I sat on the curb with my head in my hands, my right hip wracked in pain.
The past was the present. This was not new. It was old. So very old. 40 years old. And for some reason, it decided to erupt that day, hurting me deeply, beating me silly, without remorse.
Something or someone in me…
…was bent on destroying me.