It was coming out of every pore, following me, almost torturing me. I was undone, trying so desperately to hold on. Why was this memory, this energy, this person or persons, why were they in me and how the hell could I get them out? I tried rolling again and again, nothing, I walked around trying to dissipate the energy in my body, and nothing. It was there living in me and on this day Christmas Eve, 2006 it had taken control of me. I had to do something. What what the hell could I do? Please God help me!
And then I knew.
I would go home. Back to Yorktown. Where I grew up. And search for him. The Dark Man. That man who did something to me, something so horrendous that I pushed it into my body and out of my mind. I would go back to my home, and then let the People in my Hips find him! Yes, I know it was crazy, but what else could I do? I had to get this energy out of my body, Baby Ken and the Dark Man. It was time. Time to be free. Time to get them out once and for all and if it meant REMEMBERING THE DARK STUFF, I would do that.
I pulled my car out of the parking garage on 44th St. and headed toward the West Side Highway.
I had my lifeline with me. My little panasonic Video camera. I would film my journey. I would film my discoveries. I would make this happen.
My legs were shaking as I drove, and my head would shake occasionally all by itself. I was really scared. Some of it was old stuff, and some of it was present day fear, fear of what I might discover going back there, to the scene of the crime 40 years earlier. I turned on the camera and talked as I drove.
“I am on the West Side Highway going up to Yorktown…” Oh God please help me.
It was a beautiful sunny winter day, cold and crisp. My little Green Honda Civic puttered along as I made my way up the West Side Highway to The Saw Mill Parkway to the Taconic State. At the Taconic State Parkway, I started to shake and my teeth started to chatter a bit. What the fuck was I doing? NO NO NO NO NO NO I had to get this HELL out of me. BABY KEN and the DARK MAN - I had to get them out. I wanted my life back, oh please please please.
I turned on the carmera and talked. Talking to the camera grounded me. Kept me centered. Kept me focused. Who knows maybe some day this video will be on Oprah when I share this tale to the world. Maybe today, maybe today I will know and by knowing maybe I will be healed.
The search was on.
What if he was there, still alive after 40 years. He would have to be very old, but what if he were alive, and I found him, what would I do? What could I do? And what if he wanted to hurt me again.
I got images of Pine Trees and of the back porch and of moldy wet smells. Damp. Cold. Could it be that house across the street on Mark Rd? I would know soon enough.
I drove down the road that led to the development in Yorktown where I lived. I was scared. Baby Ken was with me and my right hip was throbbing. Talking to me, or just throbbing. No, I am not ready to listen, but I have to. I have to. It is time to be free again.
I got to Edcris Rd. The road that I grew up on. The road where I lived. The place where lots of things happened, dark bad things, and even more I can’t remember, trapped in my hips. It was time for my hips to talk.
I was surprisingly lucid now driving down the block. I was curious, more curious than scared now. I drove down the street. Gary Sabia’s house, The Luperellos House, Pagano’s and then my house, our house, where I grew up and made movies and put on puppet shows. Where I smoked pot at 13 and threw eggs off the roof on Halloween at the passing cars. The house, my home where I grew up, where I learned to be creative to deal with the madness around me.
As I drove by I felt nothing in my hips. It was quiet. I drove down Mark Rd past the house where something may have happened. Nothing. Nothing. What? NO please no! I need this out of me. Out of me!
I turned the car around. I was talking to the video camera now. I am feeling nothing and then…
My body started to bounce, oh my God it was here, something happened here, Baby Ken was with me now and he was scared, we were both together, both of us.
I pulled over.
What happened here? What happened? Talk to me! Talk to me.
We are both in my consciousness - Baby Ken is scared so so scared.
Talk to me. Talk to me. What happened?
My face is twisted. We are both here. The Dark Man in my right hip is there too.
What happpened? Talk to me! Talk to me. What happened?
He is right with me. Baby Ken. We are one. What happened? MY God, it was 40 years ago.
IT WAS 40 YEARS AGO!!!!!!!!!
Baby Ken heard me. He was here now in 2006, not 1966.
There was no Dark Man here. No one. Just a video camera and a green Honda Civic driving through an old development. There was no Dark Man here. It was 2006. Christmas Eve. The Dark Man was gone. Probably died.
I/Baby Ken don’t belong here. I have grown up…..
Something happened just then. I didn’t know what.
But Baby Ken, the Dark Man, the shaking, the fear...
was somehow transformed into the tears of a 48 year old man, quietly sobbing alone in his car.
Here is the real video from that fateful day.
It is really unsettling to watch...
...and quite amazing.
Let me know what you think.